A Day In My Life Photo Challenge for 30 Days Of RSD/CRPS Awareness, June 2013
Day 21 – A picture of something you wish you could forget
The good memories will always be cherished in my heart, but the pain of loss is with me every single day without exception. Not that I dwell on the pain of loss, in fact I focus on the positive every single day. Over time I have improved my ways of coping with grief and confusion. But it takes time. And it never truly leaves us. We learn to live with the grief, around the grief, despite the grief. But a loss is a part of who we are as much as a joy is. It can help us to become stronger, wiser, more empathetic. It can help us to learn the hard lesson of letting something go even without really understanding what happened. To have to move forwards with no closure. To find a way. Our own way. To revisit who we are because no matter what others may incorrectly think of us it doesn’t change who we actually are. It can hurt us, spin round and round in our heads driving ourselves nuts trying to figure out what happened, but what someone else thinks does not change the reality of what we stand for, what we believe in, who we actually are. In fact it gives us the opportunity to be even more ourselves, in a way; at least that’s what helped to get me through… The process of looking at who I am made me realise that whatever I do, whoever I am, others can still see me totally differently. They can still get me wrong. And if that is the case then why be for others if they’re not going to see who I really am anyway?
So I decided to be as me as I wanted to be….
I set up the weblog to help fellow patients, I started the CRPS research to try to help through that route too. I also started learning Tai Chi for my own physio’ and my own personal enjoyment of learning it, too. I am more openly me than I have ever been before. And all things, good and bad, led me to this. I like being me, I like myself as a person, and I am proud that my morals are so solid to the core of my being. Whatever others think about me, even strangely wrong stuff (easily done when I’m in a neuro’ meltdown after all!) I am glad to be the me that I know I am and I want this life to be worth something. To make some kind of a difference simply for it’s own sake. To be useful to others during my life. When I am old I want to know I was true to myself, that I loved and helped others, and I want to feel as calmly content in my heart as this makes me feel now. But the grief will ever be there. When I first wake in the morning, when I am alone making a cup of tea in the kitchen, and more keenly on special occasions.
But despite the loss, I at least feel less distress these days. I feel sadness every day, but I am coming to accept the lack of understanding. Sometimes that’s just the way it is. But when people who love you end up thinking wrongly of you, it hurts them as well as you, and I just wish I could reassure them that it’s okay. That I’m not the person they thought I’d become, that I’m still me, and that I still love them as much as ever. I’d like to take away the pain they must feel so that they don’t have to feel it. To be able to explain the CRPS neuro’ stuff that scuppered my processing and comprehension, and how the level of brain ability varies with my emotional state.
I felt such pain that no words can describe it. I imploded utterly, I’ve never been so broken or so full of questions that I’d have no answers to. Did they implode, too? Did it hurt this badly for them, too? I wish I could forget the pain, and I wish they could, too. There was no need for it, no basis, just mucked up neuro’ disease and mis-matched contexts.
I didn’t know what picture to use for today’s CRPS awareness challenge, so I clip-arted one into existence. This is a vague representation of the vortex I found myself in.